Part Five Now is Now

I answered the phone

Besides the dreams, there were a few areas of my life in which Myron haunted me, or the thought of him spilled over into my daily life. Sure it was usually in the back of my head, not foremost in my mind, but the truth is it was a very long time until I could truly say that a day went by that I didn’t think of him, or his actions or our horrible life together.

Sometimes, even though he was many miles away and we had been separated for many years, he would find a way to sneak back into my life. He’d find a way to torment me across the miles and make sure that I wasn’t living a peaceful, easy life.

So it was one Summer day, all was quiet in my house, the kids were playing outside and I had a day off from work. I was going about my business in the usual way, a little housework, some surfing the internet, a little working on some of my books. Suddenly, out of the silence the phone rang. And with that ring came an eerie sense of dread. A feeling I knew too well yet still sometimes forgot to pay heed. And so this time, when the phone rang, I answered it.



I answered the phone, even though I felt I shouldn’t. Even though I didn’t recognize the number and even though I had a terrible feeling about whomever was on the other end. I answered the phone anyway.

What met me on the other end was Myron’s gruff voice, accusatory, icy and critical. I knew the voice all too well. And even after months – perhaps years of not speaking with him, his tone was the same, his demeanour hadn’t changed. He was still angry, still unhappy, still intimidating. It was obvious from his words that he still blamed me for his not being able to see the kids. And he wanted me to know it.

I listened quietly to his harsh words, thinking momentarily that I should stand up to him, should stick up for myself. I pondered telling him that Jake’s real birthday, which was apparently the reason for his call, was August the 12th , 2 days ago and not the 14th like he thought. But I remembered all the times I had reminded him of this fact only to have my words fall on deaf ears. So I said nothing.

I contemplated telling him that there was no need for him to raise his voice to me, to talk to me in such a manner. But it was a fleeting thought and my fear and insecurities took over and I said nothing. I clammed up, my jaw jammed and I stood dumbfounded on my end of the conversation, just as I had been all those years ago.

Wishing I hadn’t answered the phone, I was frozen in my footsteps and my jaw was wired shut. There were so many things I wish I would have said to him, things I wish I would have done, or wouldn’t have done. I wish I wouldn’t have answered the phone. If only I had just let it ring. But I didn’t. I answered the phone.

I answered the phone.



That one phone call led to a small setback of sorts. It led to a partial regression in my self esteem, self worth and in my being able to trust those I was close to. But thankfully as time wears on, each minor setback gets smaller and smaller every time. One day I know, Myron will call and I will answer the phone. And I’ll be calm, cool and collected as if I were talking to a vacuum cleaner salesperson. I won’t get anxious, my heart won’t begin to race and I wont feel fear boiling in my veins. I’ll be nonchalant and confident when I hang up the phone after having spoken with Myron for the very last time and I’ll say to myself with pride “I answered the phone. I answered the phone.”
It’s not the End

It’s been 12 or so years since Myron and I lived together. Since I had any sort of relationship with him. But still after all this time some of it still gets to me. Occasionally, there are still times, fleeting moments when I feel all the emotions of the past and I tend to beat myself up for it. Thinking that it all happened so long ago, I should have dealt with it by now.
But then I re-read this piece or that piece and reworking this book, getting it ready for print and I notice something.
The things that happened to me, and other people like Granny, at the hands of Myron, were not normal , typical or usual . Now that I have had some time to distance myself from these situations and the numbness has gone, I can see how not-normal all this was. I lived with the abuse and mistreatment, thinking it was normal, acting as if it was just another day, though at the same time, deep in my heart knowing it was not okay, for so many years. So many years I acted a part that I wasn’t willing or properly prepared to play. So many years I walked around half awake, numb to the pain that surrounded me. So many years I merely survived. I suppose it’s not surprising that sometimes, still the reality of it gets to me.

But slowly I have learned to let myself feel all the emotions I wasn’t able to feel at the time. Emotions like, sadness, hurt, anger, shame and betrayal. Emotions I suppressed. Emotions I couldn’t let myself feel if I wanted to survive. Sometimes now I feel weak. Some days, though these days are getting fewer and further in between, I just want to curl up in my bed and cry all day long. Sometimes, even still, I have trouble trusting people that I know in my heart would never ever hurt me. But now I know that's okay because I am growing. I am getting stronger every day, but I am not perfect. And that is okay, too.







It’s times like these
When she feels she might explode
From holding it all in
For so long,
Too long
She realizes she’s distanced herself
And separated (from the people who love her)
Built walls around her heart
(Don’t get hurt.
… Won’t get hurt)

This sadness once again invades
Permeates and takes over her being
Seeps into her pores
Darkness bleeding into and out of her veins
It’s shadowy hold taking her
Trapping her inside
Yet wanting to free her
Wanting to be set free

What she longs for
Is this sadness to pass
The pain to disappear, to the heavens
To lie safe in his arms and talk
Until no more words will come
And cry until the tears
Have all dried up

It’s times like these
When her world is dark and alone
And a river of tears threatens to drown her
That she struggles to keep afloat
Reach for the sky and hold
Her head up high
And find that little voice inside
It’s times like these
She opens up
And lets it all flow out
It’s times like these she opens up
And lets the love flow in





Much Appreciated


I am now so far away from the person I was at the beginning of my spiritual journey that it is sometimes hard to believe I was ever that sad and desperately lonely little girl. The person I was back then seems like a mere shadow of the woman I have become. Perhaps a sliver of the woman I am meant to ultimately BE. Writing this account has not only helped me process hurtful events from y past, but has also helped me learn and grow in different ways. And helped me move through my feelings of despair and intense loneliness and pain through the darkened tunnel and toward the light of the here and now.

No longer do I feel the deep sadness and grief that were ever present in my mind when I first began writing this book. The realisation of my True inner Self and the discovery of my place in this beautiful Universe have opened me up to a whole new way of looking at my life. I have developed a new way of viewing life in general and the Universe as a whole. So, while these experiences were extremely painful, they have moulded me into the person I am today. And because of that, I wouldn’t change a thing!

I now believe with all of my being in the laws of cause and effect. I am undeniably aware that the energy I send out to the Universe is the energy that will eventually be returned to me. I learned, through all my heartache and grief, an invaluable life lesson. I learned to be forever mindful of the energy I send out to the Universe so that I am pleased with what I receive. I discovered, through sheer trial and error that an effective way to ensure that I am pleased with what comes back to me is to stay in the mode of Appreciation. To be sincerely thankful for all that I have, all that I witness and all that I am in every waking moment of this life.

~To Appreciate~ To be aware of the value, importance or magnitude of. To esteem adequately or highly. To show gratitude for. ~

Appreciation is a positive Energy vibration that most often equals that which you most desire in your daily living experience. It has been said that the energetic vibration of Appreciation is the closest vibration to our core spiritual energy. It is one of the highest vibrations that can be experienced by us in this realm – here on earth.


I know that being in the mode of Appreciation is the right place to be because it feels good to me. It feels good in my here and now.

I see a flower in the garden and I appreciate the beauty within it. That feels good. I see a bird soaring high above me in the sky and I appreciate his gracefulness and freedom. That feels good to me. I hear the sound of my children laughing as they splash in the backyard pool and I appreciate their joyful innocence. That feels good to me, too. I feel the dewy grass beneath my feet as I walk across the lawn to pick up the morning paper and I appreciate its softness and comfort. That feels good to me. I step outside my back door in the morning and smell the sweet scent of fresh bread baking at the house next door and I appreciate the alluring aroma. That feels good to me, too.


Appreciation is the best manner for me to live my life within, not only because it feels good, but also because it sends out positive vibrations to the Universe. It guarantees wonderful future experiences as the Universe responds again and again to these vibrations with more positive vibrations. So the more I appreciate my life and the beauty and wonder that every day brings, the more I have faith that each new day will behold more beauty, more wonder and more appreciation than the day before.





















Always Learning

As I said before I am truly thankful for my past experiences. As awful as they were I am thankful for each and every one. For, had I not endured them I may never have learned the valuable lessons I now carry with me each day.


I have learned that life is what I make it. All of my expectations make life and everything in it, just what I wish (or fear) it to be. So I have learned to be careful of how I look at people and how I judge people; even those I think I know. I have learned that I have a hand in creating my world and that I do not want to create anything that is not exactly what I want in my life.

I have learned that Spirit speaks to me whenever I am open and quiet to listen. There is never any reason to doubt or fear because I have access to all of the answers I need. I never need to doubt myself or fear that the messages I get are wrong. They come to me for a reason. And I have learned that not trusting myself or believing someone else has the answers while I do not can lead me down a path I do not wish to go. I must trust in myself. I have learned that if I listen, wisdom will come.

I have learned that I must reply on myself, first and foremost and I must not look to someone else to make me feel better, or comfortable or whole. I need to be able to give these things to myself, before I am able to properly receive them from another person.

I have learned that there is a little girl inside of me that is small and sensitive, but has all the love in the world to give. She needs to feel safe and she wants to be able to trust despite misplacing her trust in the past. She is resilient and strong and she knows that each day is a new day and she can be free from things that have harmed her in the past. She is ready to live this life! Now is now!


Epilogue

Willow’s wisps

It has been through the tears, the pain, the breaking down into nothingness that an old self has died and a new one has emerged. Up, up, up and out of the ashes, dusting off my naked body, I find my new self stronger peaceful, nearly unshakeable.

I look to the sky and the world around me for guidance and my gaze stops on the sleepy branches of the mighty weeping willow. I see myself in her. She is strong but sways so surely in the wind. Though weeping she may be, she remains silent and true to herself.

And though the storms rage on around her, she stands ever tall and proud. And while the thunder rolls and claps its song and the lightning threatens to strike, she holds her arms up high. Boughs resilient, supple. She believes, as I believe, in her power, her inner strength.

Down on my knees, fallen, these tears wash away like purifying rains from the heavens. I wrap myself up in these pale willow leaves and sing myself back to sleep.
Rock-a-by
Rock-a-by
Rock-a-by